So let’s just get this out in the open. I’m a pirate hater. I’ve been known to launch into verbal tirades when confronted with those nefarious types who download illegally. I’ve even killed my share of them by tracking them down and firing explosive computer viruses to their IP addresses.

Why yes, I am rather hardcore.

As is my custom, I will deliver my debate-ending argument in nontraditional fashion. I won’t talk about how it’s stealing (no, seriously — it is). I won’t talk about how it’s driving the prices of media up to ozone-threatening levels (and you thought that hole was caused by greenhouse gases … n00b). And, in what may come as a surprise to you cynical types, I won’t even guilt trip you by telling you that pirating is how Jack Thompson got all his games (“I need you to postpone my court date, Ms. Jensen — this sick filth hasn’t finished downloading yet”).

And now you’re all on the edge of your seats, waiting for it. “What is he going to say?” you’re asking yourself. “How can he possibly talk about pirating without mentioning the aforementioned mentionings?”

Well, the sad truth is, I can’t, so disregard everything I just said, and we’ll start with how pirating really, truly, actually is stealing.

This part is rather elementary, but in spite of this is seems to be the part people have the hardest time grasping. So I’ll use an example.

Say you’re walking through your local mall. You browse Gamestop (but not for long, because they only sell like five PC games), grab a bite at the food court, and walk past Hot Topic without even glancing in the door (and are awarded a +2 Mantle of Un-n00bliness). Finally, you get to your favorite store. Just pick one. Picture it in your mind.

You walk in, and immediately you see something strange. People all around you are grabbing things and just walking out with them. Security manages to grab a few of them, but most of them are able to walk right out. You’re flabbergasted (I love that word …). Remembering that your paycheck was only half as epic as you were hoping it was going to be this week, you see this as your golden opportunity, and you start grabbing everything you can carry and make for the door. You return every day for a week and repeat your performance. After all, everybody’s doing it. And besides, half this stuff is stuff you already own, you just misplaced it somewhere — so it isn’t really theft, it’s cheap replacement.

However, sometime later, you walk in and are stunned to see that all the merchandise is now in security boxes — and not only that, but the prices have doubled. You stop to preach a small sermon on censorship and free speech, and then proceed to grab whatever you can again.

A bit later, you arrive at the mall to find the store closed up. You ask around and discover that it went out of business. You feel a surge of righteous pride, because, after all, it was just karma. They shouldn’t have raised prices and put things in security boxes. They were just asking for it.

A couple of days later, the FBI breaks into your house and throws you in prison for life. And you deserve it, you thieving destroyer of worlds.

Did you follow that? Did you catch the part with the irony? I’m rather proud of that part. Go back and read it again, just for me.

The truth that many people conveniently are able to deny is that music, movies, and games are products. They are the result of somebody’s labor and the source of someone’s income. Taking money out of somebody’s pocket is wrong, no matter how rich they are and how much it makes you feel like Robin Hood.

And then the hilarious thing is that people complain about how much those products cost nowadays. A proverb about making your own bed come to mind …

It’s a rather simple equation, really. Here’s how it works: First, you go out and spend time (and time is money) and resources (which are also money) on something. Doesn’t matter what it is. We’ll call it Glop. You are the world’s primary source of Glop. Glop is your brainchild. You’re a huge fan of your Glop. You work hard at perfecting it. You have to charge for it, of course, so you can keep making it (capitalism at work), but you price it very reasonably.

Then comes the sad day when people start to steal your Glop. They hijack the shipments, rob the stores, and raid your factories. They steal the Glop wherever they can, because they just love your Glop. And while you’re very happy that people are so very into your Glop, you’re a bit sad that you can no longer afford to make it, because the cash flow has mysteriously stopped.

You can’t stop making Glop — that would be like the end of the world. So you do the only thing you can — you raise the price of your Glop so that you can afford to keep making it.

Unfortunately, people seem to take exception to this. Some of them are the ones who were stealing it beforehand — you’re not sure why they’re upset about the price change since they weren’t paying for the Glop in the first place. Then there’s the ones who were paying the original price, but are a bit disgruntled about the raise. “After all,” they say, “It wasn’t my fault the price had to be raised — I shouldn’t have to be punished.” This rather narrow-minded view of the situation, of course, fails to recognize its inherent viciously cyclical nature.

So now even more people are stealing your Glop. You are forced to hire men with huge guns to guard the Glop. Of course, they must be paid, so you have to raise prices again, causing another huge wave of pirate recruiting.

It’s a horrible cycle. And when you go on national television asking people to stop stealing your Glop, they have the audacity to write you hate mail and actually blame you for the pirating. You can’t remember ever forcing anyone to buy your Glop, much less to steal it. In despair you destroy your factories, bury your Glop recipes, and move to Canada to become a beaver rancher, and people blog furiously about what a jerk you are.

Sad, isn’t it? The saddest part is that the pirates actually feel that it’s someone else’s fault that they are stealing. It’s so sad it makes me want to find a nice mental hospital for them to live in.

In addition to all this, the pirates have also earned my hatred, because I solemnly refuse to play, watch, or listen to anything that I (or a member of my family) hasn’t paid for. And since the pirates are driving up prices, that means I am constantly having to pay more and more to obtain those things. And so I call down the fires of heaven upon you.

Speaking of heaven, there is of course the foundational issue of stealing being a sin. “Thou shalt not” is what the Book says, if I’m not mistaken. Even if it happened to be true that you weren’t hurting anybody with your theft, that it was somehow a justified reaction to Nazi security schemes, or that somebody made a law making it ok for people to steal what they couldn’t afford, it would still be wrong, because it’s theft. Taking something that doesn’t belong to you just because you want it is wrong, and if you really want me to I can lay out exactly how and why that is in upwards of a dozen different ways.

Anyhoo, I don’t imagine I’ve made too many new friends with this post, but as always, comment away. I feel pretty confident I can defend my stance, but I’m open to rebuttals as always. And while you’re constructing your whiny reproach, check out this article to get another perspective on the issue.

Jerod Jarvis is an independent gaming journalist and founder of Duality Games. He maintains gaming columns for The Washington Times Communities and for The Outpost. When not blogging madly about games, he freelances for the Spokesman-Review in his hometown of Spokane, Washington and attends school at Whitworth University. Check out his presence on Facebook and Twitter to stay up on Duality Games updates and the inside scoop on the gaming news you care about.