First, a definition of consoles: anything that is not a PC. Or a Mac. But let’s not talk about Macs, please…I’d rather not sabotage my day. But throughout this article, I’m primarily referring to the next-gen consoles — the Playstation 3 (PS3) and the Xbox 360.

My thesis is thus:

Consoles are teh sux.

I’m not going to demonstrate this by waxing eloquent on how trying to play a first person shooter on a console is like trying to conduct delicate surgery while wearing oven mitts and suffering from a migraine. That would be too easy.

Neither will I demonstrate how consoles are inferior multitaskers — I feel that would be redundant as I sit here using the same machine for typing this article, reading email, surfing the web, playing Peggle, pwning n00bs at debates, and chatting with babes all day (Don’t be jealous).

Lastly, I will not speak of the thriving PC modding community, which is populated by intensely talented peeps who can not only make nearly any game better/longer/more epic through modifications, but can also live for months on end on little more than Bawls energy drinks and discarded antistatic bags.

No. Instead of those obvious, full-of-win approaches to this console vs. PC debate, I choose to take a subtler, more cunning route. I take this approach for two reasons — first of all, to prove that I am a fair and unbiased reporter who is looking at this issue without preconceived opinions. Second of all, to prove to all that I pwn debates like PCs pwn consoles.

The route that I have chosen is this — I will list some of the things consoles have that PCs do not. I will present the evidence to you, showcasing all those shiny little features that make console owners so proud, and then leave you to form your own opinion. I will then return, take your opinion, crumple it into a little ball and throw it in your face.

Consoles have simpler controls

It’s true. Consoles typically have a single gamepad for a controller, whereas PCs have a mouse and keyboard, requiring the asynchronous use of both hands.

Do this: Place one hand on your head, and the other on your stomach. Begin to rub your stomach, and pat your head. If you can do this, congratulations, you’re good to go with PC gaming. If not, here’s your Xbox.

The notable exception to this rule would be the Wii, which does have two controllers—sort of. But since most Wii games actually require severe uncoordination to play well, we’ll just ignore that fact for now.

Consoles have better multiplayer

Yes and no, but alright — in general it is easier to find and match up with people over Xbox Live than most of the PC alternatives available. Of course, this also means that everyone and their mother are on Xbox Live.

Actually, I take that back. There are no mothers on Xbox Live. There are no parents of any kind on Xbox Live. Only their snot-nosed, headset-wearing, 10-year-old children, all of whom find it desperately amusing to team-kill you in Halo 3 and then teabag your corpse while making vulgar comments about your patronage. If their mothers were there, they’d be beaten severely for such behavior. Thanks to the anonymity of gaming, they can spout every four-letter word that pops into their happy little minds, because no one will ever know that SwerWordz141 is actually that sweet little neighbor girl you make cookies for every week.

Actually, I take that back again. If you make cookies for the little neighbor girl every week, you’re a creeper. But, if all that somehow appeals to you, then here’s your Xbox. Creeper.

Consoles are the way of the future

Yeah, they said that about the HD-DVDs, too.

The first games were console games

False. Epic false. Pong, that grandfather of games, was originally created on a computer! Not a PC per se…but more a PC than console.

Yes, yes, I realize that it was released to the masses on a console of sorts. But as is usually the case, the advances were made on a PC, and were then generously shared with consoles.

Consoles are less expensive

Yes. This is absolutely the truth. Even if you’re building an uber-lean machine PC, you’ll still spend more on it than your average Xbox 360 or PS3.

Of course, this principle applies to other areas of life, too. For example, cars.

Let’s say you have two cars sitting in front of you, all shiny and new. On your left sits a super-charged 1972 Shelby GT Mustang. On your right sits a 1991 Honda Civic. Now, you know that both are vehicles at heart, that they’ll both get you down the road. You know that the Civic will probably get better mileage. You know you’ll pay less up front for the Civic, and spend less down the road on repairs and tuning.

But seriously. Are you seriously going to take the Civic over a Mustang? Going to trade that raw power and chick magnetness for the car that those nerdy art majors drive? Going to snub your nose at that epic machine of greatness for a car your ten-year-old brother could afford?

Really? Seriously?

God plays games on a console

There are too many lies in that statement for me to even address it.

There are no MMORPGs on consoles

Hmm. That’s actually true, I think…I don’t even have a snarky comeback…there aren’t any analogs to World of Warcrack on consoles. I’ll be shocked and amazed if this doesn’t change in the near future, but for now I guess that’s one point for the consoles. Cherish it.

Your house is on fire and you can only save one thing. If you had a PC, by the time you got it unplugged and lugged down the stairs and out the door, you’d have burned to death.

And what a noble death it would be.

You, Jerod Jarvis, are so ridiculously biased and opinionated that you are quite possibly the worst thing to happen to gaming journalism since Gamespot reviewed Kane and Lynch.

If by ‘biased’ you mean ‘enlightened,’ and ‘opinionated’ you mean ‘absolutely correct,’ then thank you. And stop bashing Gamespot. Jerk.

And so we reach the end of my tirade. I imagine there are some of you who are at this moment sharpening your pitchforks and soaking your torches in gasoline, but I take that as a compliment. Just remember: PCs are where the party’s at.

And if they’re not good enough for you, you’re a creeper. Here’s your Xbox.

Jerod Jarvis is an independent gaming journalist and founder of Duality Games. He maintains gaming columns for The Washington Times Communities and for The Outpost. When not blogging madly about games, he freelances for the Spokesman-Review in his hometown of Spokane, Washington and attends school at Whitworth University. Check out his presence on Facebook and Twitter to stay up on Duality Games updates and the inside scoop on the gaming news you care about.