Perhaps it was the money I got from selling books. Perhaps it was the wave of B-game euphoria I got from playing Alien Shooter. Perhaps it was just late and I wasn’t thinking clearly. Whatever the reason, I bought Cryostasis.

I knew it wasn’t going to be my new favorite game – I could tell just from the box art and single generic reviewer quote on the back that it was a budget title. But I hadn’t played a new game in a while, and I wanted something to review, so I picked it up and forked over my 29.99 plus tax.

Cryostasis is a “horror”-shooter published by Aspyr (mainly of Guitar Hero fame). Aspyr isn’t at the top of my ‘trusted devs’ list, but I figured it couldn’t be too bad. They’d also published Gothic III, which while being a bit of an acquired taste remains one of the more popular open-world RPGs on the market.

The game is set in the 1950s or so, and centers around an explorer sent to investigate the North Wind, a nuclear ice breaker ship that got itself stuck up near the north pole. Basically, you enter the ship and walk around trying not to freeze to death while beating up frozen corpses reanimated by…something. The story revolves around the player discovering what happened to the ship, why it was wrecked and why the crew won’t stay dead. Oh, and something about a tribe of natives stuck in a swamp. I never really figured out what the connection was there, but whatever. Anyway, a game that centers around beating up angry ice sculptures couldn’t be too bad, right?

Sadly, all my cautious hopes were for naught.

For this review, I shall read the claims of the box, and then refute them with the banhammer of my impeccable good taste.

Where to begin…ah yes. “Terrifying First-person shooter.” Cryostasis is supposed to be scary. And indeed, sprinkled liberally throughout the game are dedicated attempts at being horrifying. Occasionally it succeeds – one on-rails sequence in which you ride a life boat that is being attacked by an underwater enemy is a bit unnerving. But more often than not, the scares are limp attempts to startle the player by tossing enemies on-screen from unexpected angles. Some games use this technique to great effect, but here it is hampered by the sluggish controls that never seem to show the player what they’re supposed to see (a fact that is underlined by the game itself occasionally taking control of the camera to make sure the player sees something important) and the general unscariness of the enemies, which are apparently supposed to be dead crewmembers possessed by the Cold (capitalizing it makes it sentient, you see), but in fact look and sound more like washed out circus clowns with violent indigestion.

Next: “Mental Echo Ability.” The mysterious ability of the player character is that he can inexplicably see into the past of dead people, relive their last few moments and change the actions that got them killed. It’s an attempt at a puzzle system (saving their lives clears your path), but in practice it’s a kick to the teeth of suspension of disbelief. The ability is also used to fill in the backstory with flashback cutscenes, but again, it’s just not well implemented and comes off like the gimmick it is.

“Unique Setting.” I will give some level of props here to the designers. The North Wind is indeed a unique setting. Trying to survive in a frozen ship full of dead people while battling life-threatening cold isn’t something I’ve encountered before, and I have to admit the idea does have merit, at least on paper. The ‘man vs. cold’ concept in particular could have been brilliant if had had a better game built around it. This is an unfortunate case of a good idea ruined by poor execution.

Lastly, “Authentic Period Weapons.” I must honestly admit, I never saw these weapons, because I gave up on Crysostasis before the end. I held on as long as I could, hoping that the game would begin to redeem itself, but it just never happened. I did get to hit people with a pipe valve for a while though, which was a new experience not without its high points.

There are a number of other issues: the graphics are subpar and yet extremely demanding on system resources; combat is clunky and frustrating; the pace is slower than a retarded turtle; and I would rag on the story for being an utter mind-bugger, but since I didn’t have the courtesy to follow it through to the end, I’ll offer it the benefit of the doubt.

In the end, I’ll go along with the general consensus of other reviewers: If you’re desperate for something a little different and don’t mind something several notches short of perfection, feel free to give Cryostasis a try. It’ll be in the ten-dollar bin before the month is out, and you can give yourself a pat on the back for supporting a dev who wanted to break out of the mold.

Oh, and here’s a picture I couldn’t find an appropriate place for but reeeaaaallly wanted to use anyway:

Jerod Jarvis is an independent gaming journalist and founder of Duality Games. He maintains gaming columns for The Washington Times Communities and for The Outpost. When not blogging madly about games, he freelances for the Spokesman-Review in his hometown of Spokane, Washington and attends school at Whitworth University. Check out his presence on Facebook and Twitter to stay up on Duality Games updates and the inside scoop on the gaming news you care about.