Author Archives: Jerod Jarvis

The Muse: One last, final last laugh

13 Thursday May 2010

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Published: Monday, May 3, 2010 in The Whitworthian.

Oh my. It’s the last Muse of the school year. I’ve thought long and hard for the last five minutes about what to write this edition of The Muse on. I love you, gentle readers. I want to go out on a good note.

Alternatively, I suppose I could write a column that isn’t funny at all and get irony points. I could write it about clubbing baby seals or finals or computer nerds who write video game reviews in their spare time because they have no real prospects.

On the other hand, I don’t really feel like talking about my life.

Humor columns are hard to write, you know. They don’t just come or appear out of thin air. I mean, sometimes they do, I guess. LARPing was a pretty easy target. So was Canada. Big surprises there.

But in general, this is hard work. It’s a big responsibility, being a humor columnist. The pressure is immense. Being the only piece of content in the newspaper that people actually consistently read is no cakewalk. I have to keep you plebes entertained!

I love that word, by the way. Plebes. Someone should go back through archives and count the number of times I’ve used it. E-mail me the answer and I’ll give you a prize. Seriously. Do it.

Anyway. Humor is hard. Not hard intellectually, per se. More hard on the kidneys, because the only consistent way to pound out a column like this is to hype yourself up so high on sugar your cavitous teeth leap screaming from your mouth (hint: if you hurry, you can head them off at the Listerine aisle at Walgreens. Teeth are predictable.)

But I do it for you. Not just because I’m a narcissist. In fact, I’m the opposite. I’m quite humble, really. People talk about it all the time. I love hearing people talk about how humble I am. It’s my favorite.

Here’s an example of the writing process: I walk into the media office without a sweet clue. I sit down at my desk and begin imbibing Jolly Ranchers and Pixie Sticks. After about 20 minutes of this, my eyes are so dilated I can’t see my entire computer screen without moving my head. This is good. It helps me focus.

Finally I get started, spit out four to five hundred words and then realize that I’ve used up my initial idea’s potential. I then completely change the subject.

Bloomsday was Sunday. I celebrate Bloomsday every year by completely forgetting about it until I see people staggering around wearing brightly colored shirts.

I don’t participate in Bloomsday because it violates several of my core values, namely that of never running distances greater than one end of Whitworth’s campus to the other.

I originally had much stricter rules on this subject, but my habit of being perpetually late to class forced me to reevaluate.

However, if I were to run Bloomsday, I would do it right. One has to dress appropriately. And I don’t mean running shorts.

Some people have it figured out. There was a scout trooper from “Star Wars: Return of the Jedi” walking the course. Spiderman was apparently there, too.

Some people feel that sprinting up Doomsday Hill is some kind of big freaking deal. They are wrong. Until you have sprinted up it in a suit of armor made entirely from Legos, you have not truly done anything significant in your life.

I guess I should get back to writing this last humor column. I’ve been rambling when I should be focusing on making this Muse awesome before I run out of spa

The Muse: Educational LARPing

13 Thursday May 2010

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Published: Monday, April 26, 2010 in The Whitworthian.

We’ve all been through it. Education, I mean. Or, at least, I assume we all have. If not, then you’re way ahead of the game, a point that I’ll demonstrate shortly.

In pre-school and kindergarten education was pretty straightforward. We learned to read, mostly, and do other simple tasks like steal extra crackers at snack time. In elementary school education shifted from book learning to life-lessons about cooties and such. No education of any kind happens in junior high and high school except perhaps lessons on how to survive for several hours in a janitor’s closet waiting for the jocks to stop looking for you. Or maybe that was just me …

So we see a general downhill pattern as we advance through the grades. By the time we hit university we’ve actually been engaging in anti-education. Where in preschool we learned to read, in college we actually learn to not read. (Nobody can actually read all that stuff they assign in Core. It’s a fact.)

That’s not to say we don’t learn anything in college. I was reminded of this fact last Saturday when I walked out of the Hixson Union Building and found myself suddenly running for my life from a large man dressed entirely in duct tape wielding a massive trident made from PVC pipe.

Yes, it was the LARPing event. It was probably the coolest thing to ever happen at Whitworth and, at the risk of being mugged in the night by the Disciples of Ultimate, I suggest it replace Frisbee as our go-to pastime.

In the spirit of this column being about education, however, I must pause here and inform you that what happened in The Loop on Saturday was not actually LARPing.
LARPing stands for Live Action Role-Playing. It’s an activity that finds its roots in the creepy backyards of nerdy high-schoolers with way too much time on their hands who had taken their obsession with the pen and paper game of Dungeons & Dragons to an unhealthy level.

Even if you’re not a geek, you’ve probably heard of D&D, but you probably heard about it from your parents who told you that it was a game that Satan liked to play when he wanted a break from murdering puppies.

There’s a certain amount of truth to that, and LARPers are to blame. I confess to enjoying a little bit of D&D on occasion, but historically there have been those who were not satisfied with rolling 20-sided dice and felt the need to learn actual occult spells and do real blood sacrifices and a whole host of other activities that fall solidly in the “Annie get your gun and hide the children” category.

Now, I’m all for giving 110 percent to your passion. But as you walk through this life, gentle readers, it’s important to remember that it’s a bad idea to invite the devil to your parties, just because of the off-chance that he might actually show up. I think he’d really ruin the atmosphere of a party. He’d probably kill your puppy, too, just for fun.

So, all that to say that the activity held in the Loop last week was not actual LARPing, and thank God for that.

Of course, there’s a chance that it could inspire real LARPing in misguided underclassmen. If you run into any of these people, change your route and begin wearing a shirt of +20 Nerd Warding. You can pick them out of crowd fairly easily because their aura will cause an irresistible urge to punch a kobold for critical damage.

Whatever the heck that means.

The Muse: Lawsuits and other career paths

13 Thursday May 2010

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Published: Monday, April 19, 2010 in The Whitworthian.

The other day I found myself sitting in my room, as I am wont to do whenever I’m not feeling like entertaining the hordes of plebes that call themselves my fans (no offense, plebes). I started thinking. And as I’m sure you’re all aware, when I start thinking, people start listening. I wish I could get them to keep listening when I actually start talking, but that’s entirely beside the point.

What’s not beside the point – in fact, it’s so on the point it’s basically standing on it and obscuring it from view – is the fact that I’ve been thinking about all the things that are dumb in this world.

It’s a long list, let me tell you. The thing that’s currently on my mind, however, are unwritten rules and fine print. What got me thinking about this was a recent story I found on bit-tech.com.

On Thursday, Gamestation revealed that it legally owned the souls of 7,500 customers due to an “Immortal Soul Clause” that it added to its online sale forms on April 1.

The idea of hiding a clause like that in a form got me wondering about other hidden rules, a pondering that was quickly rewarded by scandal right here on the Whitworth campus, in the form of unwritten rules.

A friend of mine was recently doing a bike trick on campus. For the sake of his privacy, I will not tell you that he was bunny hopping down the stadium steps by the library.

Unfortunately for him, however, there is apparently a “no stunts” policy on campus. He knows this because he was told on no uncertain terms by campus security. A quick perusal of the student handbook reveals that there is no such rule; neither can one be found online. I suppose it’s possible that it exists, but it’s well hidden.

I’m not sure I understand the purpose of this “no stunts” clause. It’s probably something about “safety” or “lawsuits” or some such drivel. If he’s dumb enough to crash his bike and break something, he should be made to take responsibility for that. Whitworth shouldn’t be liable for such things. The idea that we have a “no stunts” policy implies that if he hurt himself he could then sue Whitworth and actually win money, which is so incredibly backwards it makes me want to pummel an attorney with a gavel.

Only in America can someone hurt themselves by being an idiot and actually make money from it. That really shouldn’t be the way the world works.

I suppose, however, that as long as it is the way the world works, I might as well make the best of it. I am staggeringly broke, after all. Hurling myself off of a rooftop and blaming Whitworth for instilling in me a sense of curiosity about the way the world works would be a quick way to make bank.

Well, now that I’ve thought of that, I’m off to collect on health insurance. And even if it doesn’t work, I’ll have a great claim to fame on Youtube.

Health care reform splits opinion on campus

13 Thursday May 2010

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News editor Candace Pontoni is the primary author of this article, I merely contributed.

Published: Tuesday, April 13, 2010 in The Whitworthian as part of a package on how health care reform will affect student life.

Reactions on Whitworth’s campus to President Obama’s recently approved health care reform bill are mixed. Students and faculty came down on both sides of the fence when asked about the bill.

On March 23, President Obama signed into action legislation that will, among other things, allow Americans to purchase health care through state-based exchanges.
The vote on Capitol Hill was split nearly even, with 100 percent of Republicans in both the House and the Senate voting against the measure, and most Democrats voting in favor. The measure passed 219-212 in the House.

Aaron Korthuis, political activism club president, said he has heard both sides of the debate supported by Whitworth students, but that overall he has heard more negative than positive comments about the reform.

“People are less favorable than favorable. There are a lot of people who would have rather seen it passed another way,” Korthuis said.

Andrew Hogue, assistant professor of political science, said he is hearing far more questions than comments.

“There has been a lot of misunderstanding about the bill,” Hogue said. “Even the people who drafted the key components of the bill, and certainly most everyone who voted for it, are unlikely to have read the whole thing.”

Mike Ediger, department of health sciences chair, said he believes some students feel the reform won’t affect them.

“Access to health care is a big issue, but students don’t realize it because they’re on their parents’ health plan,” he said.

Whitworth graduates who aren’t able to afford health insurance have come to Ediger asking for health advice, he said.

“A lot of them are skipping necessary medical procedures because they aren’t able to afford health plans,” Ediger said. “Many aren’t getting health screenings, are skipping their allergy shots, and they are more inclined to have a tooth pulled instead of having the problem with the tooth fixed.”

The new plan will help by giving young adults the option of remaining on their parent’s insurance for a longer period of time.

One stipulation of the bill will allow young adults to remain on their parents’ insurance until they are 26, regardless of whether they are enrolled at a university.

“If you are attending college and want to take a year off of school, right now you wouldn’t be covered by your parent’s insurance during your time off,” said Glen Stream, a doctor at Rockwood Clinic.

As most of the new legislation will not become effective until 2014, however, it’s likely that current students won’t be affected by the reform during their time at Whitworth, Hogue said.

Hogue said many people seem under the impression that they won’t be able to keep their current insurance plans. This, he said, is the most misunderstood part of the new legislation.

“To quote the President, ‘If you like your insurance you can keep it,’” Hogue said.

Another misconception, Hogue said, is that the bill is socialized medical reform. It isn’t correct to classify it this way, Hogue said, as the government won’t be playing the role of an insurance company and providing the same coverage for everyone.

It should instead be considered a system in which the government subsidizes insurance for some, he said.

Like Hogue, Ediger said he doesn’t feel the reform will socialize the health care system.
“I don’t think we’re heading in that direction,” Ediger said. “This may open the door to go there, but I don’t think it will. Making health care available to all is good.”

Stream said allegations that quality of health care will deteriorate under the reform are not grounded, as the bill affects the insurance side of the health care system.

Those who choose to purchase insurance through state-based exchanges should still be able to obtain high-cost procedures such as organ transplants and dialysis, he said.
Some do have concerns about the legislation, however.
Ediger believes greater government presence in the system could result in confusion as to who should dictate the type of care each individual should receive. He feels it is possible that legislative oversight may be brought into health care.

“When we give our government more control of health care, it makes me nervous,” Ediger said. “Health care providers, not congressional committees, should determine quality of health care.”

It’s important that Americans continue to question who is dictating the care they receive as the reform is implemented, he said.

A concern held by Ediger, Stream and Korthuis is that there will not be enough medical health professionals to go around if all Americans who are currently uninsured take advantage of the chance to obtain insurance.

“If all of those who are now uninsured make medical appointments once they are insured, there won’t be enough medical practitioners to care for all of them,” Stream said.

Korthuis likewise feels that the reform has the potential to lower the quality of medical care received by Americans due to increased demand for health care, though the bill contains many provisions that seek to ensure health care quality, he said.

“I think it’s going to depend on the way the medical community responds,” Korthuis said.
Ediger said he feels this problem will likely be addressed through physician assistants and nurse practitioners.

“I believe they will be leaders in primary health care over the next 20 years,” Ediger said.
Hogue said he hopes people are able to get behind the bill.

“I’m hopeful, but not optimistic, that people can come on board and hope for the best with this bill, whether they supported it or not, since it is now the law of the land,” Hogue said.

Stream is looking further down the road.

“I hope we can move quickly beyond the political fallout,” he said. “My hope is that we use this imperfect piece of legislation as a starting point to build a new health care system.”

Student loan reform packaged in health care bill

13 Thursday May 2010

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Published: Tuesday, April 13, 2010 in The Whitworthian as part of a package on how health care reform will affect student life.

Tucked away in more than 2,400 pages that make up President Obama’s health care reform bill are measures to change the way students receive federal loans.

The student loan reform will allow the federal government to take control of student loans.

“The federal government has paid the banks before, but now they can remove the banks as middle men and save that money,” said Mike Ediger, chair of the health services department.

The government will be able to save money that has been going to the private banking industry, said Aaron Korthuis , president of the Political Activism Club.

“Now the government will be offering loans directly,” he said.

Removing banks from the picture could ultimately save the government $61 billion over 10 years, according to the Congressional Budget Office. The money saved will go toward funding health care reform, reducing the national deficit and increasing Pell grants for students.

Current Whitworth students will not see any benefits from the changes, however. These measures will not begin going into effect until July 1, 2014. And even then, it’s unclear how much the changes will directly affect students, as many of the shifts in policy occur behind the scenes.

One change future students will see are increases to the Pell grant, which provides “need-based grants to low-income undergraduate and certain post-baccalaureate students to promote access to post-secondary education,” according to the U.S. Department of Education’s Web site.

However, even these changes are slight. An article on SmartMoney.com, an affiliate of the Wall Street Journal, called them “watered down.” The official plan is to increase the Pell grant from it’s current amount of $5,350 to $5,975 by 2020 – a $625 dollar increase over 10 years.

Health care reform will not immediately affect job opportunities

13 Thursday May 2010

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Published: Tuesday, April 13, 2010 in The Whitworthian as part of a package on how health care reform will affect student life.

While President Obama’s health care reform won’t directly affect businesses, it does carry implications for employee benefits which may be of interest to students looking for work in the coming years.

John Sporleder, a human resources consultant and president of Sporleder Human Capital, said that many employers struggle with the cost of providing insurance for employees. If they are able to save money by not offering insurance, he said, employers may opt to let their personnel fend for themselves with the public option.

Whitworth employees can rest easy for now. Although insurance premiums may go up over the next year, it won’t be due to health care reform, said Rick Scott, associate director of human resource services.

Scott said that Whitworth has no solid plan of action for changes in polices due to the passage of health care reform.

“It’s wait and see at this point,” he said.

Whitworth insures its employees through Group Health. Group Health has been slowly sharing information on the effects of the bill’s passage with Whitworth as details are uncovered.

“We hear bits and pieces at a time. It’s an ongoing process. As they figure things out, we hear things,” Scott said.

Due to the lack of hard information on the effects of health care reform, Whitworth employees will not be charged more for their insurance due to Mr. Obama’s bill.

“Premiums may go up, but it’s not because of the reform,” Scott said.

At this point, business owners are not anticipating immediate changes. However, the future is uncertain.

Students advised to lock doors

13 Thursday May 2010

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Published: Monday, April 12, 2010 in The Whitworthian.

When junior Megan Fraser walked out to discover that her car had been broken into one morning last October, business as usual quickly devolved into the start of a months-long process of dealing with the aftermath of theft.

Fraser’s Nissan Maxima had been locked, but thieves smashed the rear window and gained access to her purse, camera, iPod and other valuables.

“I had to drive back to Montana to get a new license,” Fraser said.

Fraser lives off-campus about one-half mile from Whitworth. Crime in the area is understandably a concern for students who opt out of dorm living.

“Everyone knows someone who has gotten something stolen,” senior Nic Vargus said.
Vargus lost roughly $500 worth of stereo equipment from his car in December.

The Spokane County Sheriff’s Department keeps records of all crimes in the area, and displays them on an interactive map linked from their Web site. Since December 2009 up until this printing, police have responded to over 70 crimes within a half-mile of Whitworth’s campus.

Doug Silver, systems coordinator for the Spokane County Sheriff’s Department, said that one problem spot in particular is the area around the intersection of Highway 395 and Highway 2, known as the ‘Y.’ North of the ‘Y’ and between the two highways, vehicle prowling and burglary are relatively common.

However, the area around Whitworth remains one of the safer neighborhoods in Spokane, Silver said. For example, police have responded to 191 crimes in the half-mile area around the Monroe Street and Sprague Avenue intersection in downtown Spokane since December of last year.

Students feel that the area around Whitworth is relatively safe.

“I’ve always felt it was really safe,” Fraser said. “After [the theft] we just took more precautions.”

Vargus has adopted a pragmatic view since his experience.

“I feel like it’s a small chance that it could happen, but it does happen,” he said.

Silver said that students should take care not to leave things visible inside their cars at night.

If something is stolen out of a vehicle, recovery is often problematic. Burglars don’t want to keep stolen merchandise, Silver said.

What students can do is report crimes and suspicious persons as soon as they are able. The sheriff’s department engages in “intelligence led policing,” Silver said, a method of crime prevention that seeks to identify areas where crime is occurring regularly and establish a presence there.

“We’ll station undercover officers and place cameras in those areas,” Silver said.

If students observe suspicious behavior, they should report it immediately.

In the meantime, taking some advice from Vargus can’t hurt:

“Always lock your doors,” he said.

The Muse: Copy desk coup edition

13 Thursday May 2010

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Due to scheduling conflicts, I was not in the office until late on this particular production day. As a result, Jessica Valencia, Copy Chief, hijacked my column. This is the result.

Published: Monday, April 12, 2010 in The Whitworthian.

Dear Whitworth community,

This column is now property of the copy desk.

Jerod? Jerod is busy. I may or may not have told him the creator of “Bioshock” is on campus. He ran out with a blank disc and a permanent marker about an hour ago, muttering something about how kids and marriage will always come in second after this moment in his life.

You see, I have a mission, Whitworth. One that I have kept hidden from my fellow editors and peers until now. But the time has come to reveal what has been weighing heavy on my heart. There are problems on the horizon, my friends and it is imperative that you become aware of them.

The Whitworthian is about to undergo a change in power; one that will crack the foundation this publication sits on. The editor-in-chief position has gone to the man you all swoon over: one Mr. Jarvis. Quiet your cheers, students and staff. I was one of you at one point also. But I am here to tell you he is fooling all of you. The paper you have come to know and love is about to be defaced.

Do you enjoy the opinions section? How about a twelve-page opinions section? Good, in theory, but there are only so many opinions about Saga and ASWU a person can stomach. No one likes the food, or campus-wide e-mails; okay, we get it! Where’s the scandal? Where’s the fluff? I need my fact fix and I need it now! I want to read definitive information; I don’t care about what others feel. You can’t fact check feelings.

And I hate to break it to you Whitworth, but the second he puts his name on that door, my staff and I can kiss our jobs goodbye. Opinions columns don’t use quotes from anyone.

How am I supposed to check attributions if there aren’t attributions to begin with? If everything is opinion this and editorial that, I might as well change my title from copy chief to 7-Eleven cashier.

I’m a journalist for heaven’s sake; no one wants to hire me! My degree is the equivalent of an expensive high school diploma. The only difference is that when I go to fill the Slurpee machines I wonder if the company is cutting corners on their tax forms and whether I can unearth it.

But let’s forget about me for a bit. He will likely off me right from the get go. Think about yourselves.

Laughter is detracting from your academic life. There is no room for happiness on this campus! Whitworth advertises community, not this humor crap. In fact, it is frowned upon out in the real world. Libel! Defamation! Sound familiar? Joke about the wrong person and student loans won’t be the only thing you will have to pay off. Whitworth better start budgeting for a bomb shelter because they’re going to be raining down on us for all the finger-pointing we’ll be doing.

Which is why I’m calling for an uprising from the masses. It is time to put to rest all of this humor. No one laughs anymore. It’s gone out of style. Everyone’s about having a poker face. Stop singing!

Save yourselves, Whitworth! Is this who you want to be the face of The Whitworthian? We have an image to uphold as an award-winning publication. Do you really think your opinions editor, who says “lawl” and spells it like that can handle this office?

What will happen to me, the single revolutionary, when he find out his Muse has been hijacked by his compatriot with the red pen? You already know my story. It is written in all of the history books. What? You’re not a fan of history? You prefer humor columns instead? Do you hear that, Whitworth? That’s the sound of my mind and heart dying.

REVIEW: Professor uses satire effectively

13 Thursday May 2010

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Published: Tuesday, March 16, 2010 in The Whitworthian.

Satire is a tricky concept. Sarcasm’s cynical cousin, true satire is difficult to create. Tasteful satire is all but unheard of. But Christian satire? I mean, who does that?
Dr. Gordon Jackson of the Communications department, apparently.

Jackon’s latest book, “‘Jesus Does Stand-Up’, and Other Satires,” is an unusual tome. Less than 100 pages long, its pages are filled with short stories, poems, text pulled from imaginary church bulletins and hymnals and a variety of other formats. It’s this variety that keeps the reader moving through the book – each page holds something fresh.

With few exceptions, each piece, whether a hymn rewritten for humorous effect or a memo between two employees at Bibles “R” Us, tackles a specific issue within the contemporary church. Hypocrisy, materialism, Sunday-only Christians, the prosperity Gospel and busyness are just a few of the problems with the modern church that Jackson identifies through these satirical pieces.

For the most part, the point of each piece is clear and humorous.

A to-do list that describes an affluent woman’s spending habits, including making reservations at a thousand-dollar-a-plate restaurant and taking “the BMW in for a service,” is punctuated by the final item on the list: mailing in $25 to a charity organization; elsewhere in the book, a demographic report that looks at Jesus’ ministry as if it were a political campaign (the Savior does well in the criminal demographics, but not so much in affluent groups).

A few pieces are harder to decipher. A few of the satires seem to be more of an inside joke – funny, but seemingly without the clear purpose of the majority of the book.

In the introduction, Jackson says that his goal is to use the satirical format to call attention to the hypocrisies within our modern life-is-good, paint-by-numbers church. The message is clear: many Christians have forgotten what it means to be a Christian. Jackson points out through his humor that those who believe the Christian faith is about making everyone happy, or making life easy, or going through a few rituals once a week are missing the point.

The book’s final piece sums up the entire work. A pastor is praying for his church, asking God to heal the “failing body.” But if that isn’t possible, the pastor asks God to at least give him a new heart.

That’s the thrust of this little book of humorous rib-jabs: the Christian faith isn’t about rules, money and nice clothes once a week; it’s about people. And if the church is to be healed, the change must start internally. The book implies it won’t start with others – it must start with the reader.

Jackson’s book is well worth a read-through. It’s easy to pick up and chuckle over a few pages before tossing it back on the coffee table for later. But the real genius of this work is that in-between chuckles, chances are high you’ll run across one or two things that will make you stop, think and maybe find yourself convicted on.

Good Christian satire will likely and rightfully remain rare, but Jackson proves that it can be done and done with excellence.

The Muse: Of squirrels and blood sports

13 Thursday May 2010

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Published: Monday, March 15, 2010 in The Whitworthian.

Once again, fellow students, it is my sad, tragic, doleful duty to inform you of something-happening-on-campus-that-you-won’t-like. Unless, of course, you’re a sick, depraved individual with no soul who hates squirrels.

Yes. As odd, horrific, and ridiculous as it sounds, Whitworth security has recently uncovered an underground squirrel fighting ring.

Let that sink in for a minute.

Ridiculous, you say? Preposterous, you say? Well, take a look at the front page of the March 10 USA Today: “Finches fight to death in blood sport.”

Yes, gentle readers. Blood sport. Finches. Fighting. Admittedly, finches are not squirrels. But both are smallish creatures that one would not normally expect to be mixed up in something so heinous.

USA Today’s story is an in-depth five or six paragraphs of frightening expose. But what’s more frightening still is the travesty recently uncovered by Whitworth security.

Apparently, a group of depraved students have formed squirrel-catching gangs. The poor creatures are grabbed by the tail, thrown into a bag and trained to kill.

Many squirrels are subjected to illegal modifications.

“There are a great many ways you can … enhance your ordinary squirrel,” said an official looking man in a lab coat. “Razors glued to the teeth, rodent ’roids, small firearms duct taped to their little paws … macabre, to be sure, but among aficionados it’s a way to express creativity and even affection.”

Campus correspondent and occasional photo editor Taylor Zajicek recently had the opportunity to join Whitworth security on one of their busts. According to Zajicek, the scene was “like a fiesta. A fiesta of terror.”

Seven students were led away in handcuffs. Zajicek was able to pull one aside for a quick chat.

“It’s not even that big of a deal,” the despicable villain said. “I missed the deadline for scholarship applications — a fella’s gotta pay for this place somehow!”

It’s true. Reports are popping up all over campus that the steadily rising cost of tuition is forcing students to take drastic measures to make financial ends meet.

There are even reports that the recently relaxed rules regarding keeping fish in dorm rooms has fueled a terrifying comeback in illegal fish fighting rings.

Signs of squirrel fighting were first discovered by campus maintenance staff when the discarded corpses were found to be the cause of several lawn mower jams.

“I thought they were pinecones at first,” said a member of the staff who asked to remain anonymous. “They crunched just like pinecones. Boney little critters.”

Staff have mixed feelings on the squirrel fighting incidents. While most agree that violence is bad and squirrel fighting is the problem, some admit to secret gratitude.
“Freaking squirrels were always eating my trail mix,” said one man. “How’s a fella supposed to do his job without trail mix?”

A chilling question.

After maintenance staff reported the appearance of excessive squirrel cadavers on campus, authorities followed money trails back to perpetrators’ lairs. Most of the violence appears to have occurred in the basement of Warren Hall, referred to by some as the Fungeon, by others as that “one ghetto place we have on campus.”

Sadly, it appears that the violence will not be over anytime soon. As they were dragged away to Whitworth’s prison in the Back 40, several of the guilty students were heard to say that they would “not cease our blood sporting until administrators promise to stop bleeding us dry, 5 percent increases at a time.”

From Whitworth University, I’m Jerod Jarvis, and this was fun to write.

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