Published: Monday, October 26, 2009 in The Whitworthian.

Welcome to The Muse, where you can come when you’re not sure what exactly you want out of your newspaper reading experience. Each week, I’ll deliver something off the wall/unexpected/totally bonkers up for your reading pleasure, and you can then write me scathing letters about how I’m contributing to the death of serious journalism.

Look! Run to your windows! Get out your cameras! Call Grandma and all those children you may or may not have! It’s here!

What is happening, do you ask? Why are the people dancing in the streets? Is there a giant pinata in the Loop? Has Reagan returned to take back the presidency? Has B-Rob decided to stay?

No, no. I am, of course, referring to Windows 7. Yes! It was released last week! I don’t have it yet, but I just know that all of you out there who haven’t been writing me any “letters to the editor” are just saving up your efforts for “Christmas presents for the editor,” so I’m confident I’ll soon have my hands on the 7-fold goodness.

Having participated in the beta test (for you non-geeks out there, that means I got to use it before it was released), I can confidently say that 7 looks like a pretty slick deal, fixes a lot of the frustrations that Vista introduced to Windows users, and even borrows a few of the better ideas that Apple utilizes and makes them better.

Of course, this edition of The Muse is beginning to sound like a review for Windows 7, which it is not. My reviews are published in the Scene section (read them!). It is instead a commentary upon the sad state of humanity and of course, racism.

Now, I know there are a lot of you out there who use those arcane artifacts of dark side power known as “Macs.” They are also known as “Apples,” “Big iPods” and “Those silly things that Jerod doesn’t use.”

I’ve heard scuttlebutt that Mac users are already on the warpath against Windows 7, a scant five days after its release. Bleeding heart analogies about infanticide aside, this is just wrong. And not for the usual reasons. If you wanted usual reasons, you wouldn’t be reading this column.

It’s not wrong because Windows 7 is brand new and you Mac-ites haven’t given it a chance yet. It’s wrong because Macs are white.

In a time and place and culture and campus that is trying so hard to increase diversity, Apple sits on its high pedestal spewing forth its supremacist product. In a world where the PC market is actively promoting incredible amounts of equality with computers of every shape, size, color, configuration, price and complex combination of specifications imaginable, Apple refuses to enter the 21st century and be nice to people. And students are lapping it up!

I mentioned this to Taylor Zajicek, Whitworthian photo editor. He tried explaining some sort of jibberish about how Apple makes black Macs and colored iPods, but I did the right thing and punched him.

I mean honestly. Have you ever seen a yellow Mac? Shouldn’t we be outraged that Apple is blatantly discriminating against the entire population of China? And all those other Asian places? One of my roommates is from the Philippines, and I’m pretty sure that whenever I’m not in the room he breaks down in tears as he types away on his ivory Apple machine of condemnation.

And what about polka-dotted Macs? How do you think that makes heffalumps and people with chicken pox feel? According to the little man who lives in my finger and spits out accurate-sounding statistics, 98.6 percent of everyone is deeply offended over this issue.

My personal computer is a giant thing painted in metallic blue with gaudy blue lights and a big window in the side. I chose these elements in order to show that I’m not racist against certain species of beetles, or the aliens that I’m quite sure are going to rain down from the sky any day now.

Now that I’ve enlightened you all, you’re probably wondering where you can gather for a violent riot. Well, put down your pitchforks and douse your torches, because this technological racism stems from a source much closer to home than anyone realizes.
We could blame Steve Jobs for inventing iPods. We could blame Bill Gates for authorizing really lame commercials. But we know the truth, fellow students. We know that the problem goes much deeper.

Yes. You’ve guessed it. Apple is using iTunes to broadcast nefarious subliminal messaging, affecting the otherwise normal brains of hapless people across the nation. There really isn’t any other way to explain the fact that both Kanye West and Stephen Colbert have held first place on iTunes’ top sellers list.

I implore you, therefore, diverse students of Whitworth University, reject the evil empire. Don’t simply settle for wagging your finger at your Apple computer before you lovingly stroke its bright white keys. Get yourself a PC and a copy of Windows 7 before it’s too late for your soul. And remember to get me a copy for Christmas.