Published: Tuesday, February 16, 2010 in The Whitworthian.

Valentine’s Day is over. You can all breathe a sigh of relief. Singles no longer have to wear blindfolds in the Loop to avoid eye contact with couples trying out for the U.S. Olympic PDA team. Couples can stop dragging their starved wallets into Hallmark stores. And those poor souls occupying that weird and shapeless void between dating and single can go back to editing their profiles on eHarmony.

But wait! What’s this appearing in my inbox? Whitmatch? A Whitworth matchmaking service? How could this be? Perhaps Cupid strafed the computer science department; perhaps a lonely junior high teacher hacked into our e-mail system. Whatever the case, the time for rejoicing is now. Valentine’s Day may be over, but love is still in the air.

Caution is warranted, however. This is not your ordinary matchmaking service. This is not a Web site where you can upload a picture of Tim McGraw as your avatar and type in a sexy French accent. To the uninitiated, the inquiries might seem innocuous, even inane.

Stay your mouse hand, you poor naive fool! These questions are not as random as the Richard Simmons-esque color scheme might imply.

Luckily, you have me. Man, if I had a dollar for every time that’s been the case…

I will now guide you through the most perilous of the WhitMatch questions. With this walkthrough, you will be well on your way to a fulfilling relationship of sweet pirate love.

#1: What is your ideal date? Whatever you do, avoid your first instinct. When it comes to romance, your first instinct is always wrong. Following your first instincts leads to things like open communication and long walks on the beach, two things that pirates are completely against. Let your sense of self-consciousness and selfish ambition take over. Tempted to click “Dinner and a movie?” Where do you think that will lead, exactly? A romantic evening filled with sappy eye contact? A pirate craves not these things.

#3: What is your spirit animal? One might be forgiven for thinking this question was a gimme. After all, everyone knows how central spirit animals are to a relationship. But look at the options.

Dragon–do you really want to date the girl with scaly skin or the guy whose breath will singe your sense of what is good and right in the world?

Tiger–they’re big cats; cats eat mice; mice scare elephants; elephants have long memories and will never let you forget the time you forgot their name or their birthday or…whatever.

Eagle–they can spot a fish from thousands of feet in the air. I’m not sure how this ties into relationships, but there’s no way it could be positive.

Walrus–I don’t even want to think about that.

#9: How religious are you? Careful how you answer here. If you answer “not religious,” the Presbyterian Police will hunt you down and expel you. If you answer “very religious,” you may be paired with Whitworth’s lone, reclusive nun.

#13: What would you do during the zombie apocalypse? The correct answer’s not even one of the choices! Clearly the best option is to find the nearest vampire and puncture your jugular with his fangs. Within a day or two your entire body will be so sparkly that no self-respecting zombie will come anywhere near you.

#17: What is your favorite TV show? You are asked to choose between “The Bachelor,” “Big Bang Theory,” “CSI” and “Grey’s Anatomy.”

“Those are the only options?” you may ask. Understandable–you’re probably a sane, mature person of good taste who likes to watch quality shows. But while the truth is you’d rather watch something that won’t melt some portion of your brain into grey putty, what you don’t know is that each of those shows represents a deep and vital character trait and if you answer wrong you’re lying so horrifically that there’s no hope of finding someone who will love you for who you are.

That was a long and convoluted sentence. But not as long and convoluted as your emotional turmoil will be when you’re matched with someone who doesn’t like “CSI.”

#23: What song are you? With options like the Scorpions’ “Rock You Like a Hurricane” and Michael Jackson’s “Thriller,” there isn’t an option that isn’t incredibly awkward in some way. Don’t answer this question.

#24: What kind of computer do you have? Whatever you choose, make sure you mark this answer as “very important.” You do not want to be the PC person hooked up with a Mac lover. The Bible warns about unequal yokings.

The other questions are easier to navigate if you follow the basic principles laid out here. Whatever you do, however, do not go pick up your answers. Instead, Google that picture of Tim McGraw and fire up eHarmony, because nobody’s gonna date you if they know you took the WhitMatch exam. Seriously, get a life.