Published: Monday, October 5, 2009 in The Whitworthian.
Students, take a moment out of your busy schedules, right this instant, to congratulate yourselves. You’ve made it through another week. You’ve successfully dodged both dive-bombing swine flu viruses and textbooks hurled by frustrated roommates. Perhaps you’ve emerged from your first exams, battered and bruised but still alive and kicking. Hopefully you’ve been able to navigate the world of romance with enough still to have put off that inevitable define-the-relationship talk (just remember that you can run, but you can’t hide).

Chances are high that you’ve all been going through your days and weeks this year without realizing that 2009 marks the 50th anniversary of that hallmark of American television culture: “The Twilight Zone.” It’s true. ’Twas 1959 when Rod Serling’s masterpiece first aired, and it has been messing with our minds ever since. Not only has “The Twilight Zone” given us an awkward little tune to whistle whenever things get weird, it has also given us a great ride at the Disney theme parks and something we can watch on the SyFy channel without feeling like our souls are slowly dying. If you’ve never sat down to watch an episode of the Zone, do yourself a favor and go dig up an episode from someplace. It’s a little ridiculous how much modern science-fiction, and pop culture in general, owes to this show.

You might have also noticed that Chicago was recently dealt a blow to its confidence by the International Olympic Committee. Out of the group of 2016 Olympic hopefuls (Madrid, Tokyo, Chicago and Rio de Janeiro), the Windy City was the first to get knocked out of the running. Many people are pointing the finger at our border policies, saying that getting through security is an “ordeal” or some such shenanigans.

Personally, I think it’s a good thing in the long run. The longer the U.S. goes without an Olympic games within its borders, the greater the odds that Spokane will be chosen to host them.

Think about it. Not only could you tell your eager grandchildren that you not only attended Whitworth, the nation’s most prestigious university (patent pending), but you also went to said university in an Olympic city. So, I’ve compiled a list of compelling reasons for Spokane to make a run for the Olympic games.

The World’s Fair was here in 1974, making Spokane basically a pro at huge international gatherings. The theme was “Celebrating Tomorrow’s Fresh New Environment,” which is probably where Whitworth got its current green obsession. The site was transformed into Riverfront Park, which also happens to host Hoopfest every year, the world’s largest 3-on-3 basketball tournament. Clearly, Spokane is primed and ready for this.

Spokane has four (count ‘em, four) seasons. We are not California with its eternal summers, nor are we Nome with its lush permafrost lawns. We have blazing hot summers and freezing cold winters. This, naturally, makes us a candidate for either the winter or the summer games. Or both. Both would be cool.

Hosting the Olympic games would probably convince whoever is in charge of road construction in this area to get their rear in gear and just get it all done in one fell swoop. Yes, a month or two of having to walk everywhere would be a drag, but closing all the streets in the greater Spokane area for a summer face-lifting would be preferable to the perennial guessing game of “Which street do I have to avoid this month?” that our city officials apparently enjoy so very much.

If we really put the marketing into it, there’s a chance we could boost Spokane’s population a little and finally have a chance to beat Seattle in some election sometime. Maybe.

It would massively boost our economy, if the police department plays its cards right. If we were very careful to not publicize our “no cell phones while driving” law, the sheer amount of money we could make off of unsuspecting Europeans jabbering away on their stylish phones while swerving around herds of deer on Division Street is simply staggering.

Spokane, with its proximity to so many of Washington’s finest agricultural establishments, would probably be the birthplace of new Olympic sports. You can’t look me in the eye and tell me you wouldn’t pay to watch Olympic Cow Tipping or Olympic Pinecone Catching. Whitworth students could probably make a united effort and get Ultimate Frisbee added to the roster.

Now that I’ve convinced you all of the utter legit-ness of this idea, I want you to join me in a mass mailing effort to convince our fine leaders to make this happen. On Oct. 10, everyone get out a piece of paper and an envelope and write a letter to an elected Spokane official (any of them will do) and demand a run for the Olympics. Your grandchildren will thank you.