Published: Monday, October 12, 2009 in The Whitworthian.

Oi! Wake up! The newspaper is here! Eat up every mouthful of naked truth, because you know it won’t come again until next week. Unless of course you visit the Web site where content is updated daily for your reading, thinking and irate-commenting pleasure.

Now that my shameless plug is out of the way, I want all of you “Star Wars” fans out there to sit up and take notice. I’m not just talking to diehards or to the uber-nerds who speak fluent Rodian. I’m talking to all of you who have any fondness for the “Star Wars” universe, or who used to before Mr. Lucas totally lost it and stabbed the franchise in the face with a laser beaver (don’t see the animated “Star Wars” movie, or you too will find yourself without a soul).

All of you Wookie lovers should know that there’s a rather interesting project being put together by a group of particularly crazy fans of the movies. They’re calling it “Star Wars: Uncut,” and it’s essentially a remake of the original “Star Wars” movie, “A New Hope.” Basically, you go to the site, lay claim to a 15-second clip of the movie, film it however you want (people have done live action, clay-mation, computer animation and everything in between), and then submit it for approval. Once every scene has been turned in, the masterminds behind the project will cobble them all together and release it upon the masses. Check out the site; they have a trailer up for the project already.

I’m planning on shooting several scenes using the faculty of this fine university. I haven’t actually spoken to any of them about this yet, but when I show up with the film crew and candy bars, I don’t see how they’ll be able to say no. Han Solo will be portrayed with subtlety and emotion by professor of communications Alan Mikkelson, who will never be seen without his faithful Wookie enforcer Chewbacca, played by Dr. Forrest Baird of the philosophy department (I’ll bet you $100 he does a fantastic Wookie call).

ASWU President Michael Harri will play Luke Skywalker, with his boyish good looks and mastery of the Force (how did you think he won the election?). I’m still trying to decide on who to cast as Princess Leia though. It’s a toss-up between Dr. Kathy Storm and Karin Heller of the theology department.

Darth Vader will naturally by played by communications professor Ron Pyle (I’m experimenting with anti-typecasting). Mike Ingram, also a professor of communications, will play Obi-Wan Kenobi, utilizing his sagely wisdom and timeless advice for the part (there’s perks to being the director’s academic adviser).

The Death Star might pose a bit of a logistical problem, given that it’s as big as the moon. I’m relatively certain that Sodexo still has all those trays they confiscated from us last year, though, and I’m confident that if I melt them down and toss in a bucket of gun-metal gray paint, it’ll turn out all right. I don’t have a special effects budget, so in my version of the film the Death Star won’t laser-blast planets from space, but will instead roll over Weyerhaeuser Hall at Pyle’s dark command.

Professor of communications Jim McPherson will fill the role of Darth Maul. Technically, Darth Maul didn’t appear in the original trilogy, but as one of the only bright points in the “new trilogy” (aka, “The trilogy that shall not be named”), I feel that he should be given homage in my film. The thought of McPherson with a double-bladed lightsaber regularly keeps me up at night, so he’s really the only choice.

The Emperor is probably the biggest challenge I’m still facing. President Bill Robinson was my first instinct, being a charismatic leaderly type, but he’s leaving next year and that would make the inevitable sequel difficult. Also on the short list is Morgan Feddes, editor-in-chief of The Whitworthian. Unless you’ve been here at 1 a.m. Monday morning finishing production on the newspaper, you won’t know how appropriate that type-cast would be.

Now that I think about it, it would be a shame to limit the potential of a cast like this on a few 15-second clips, so the best course of action will be to reshoot the entire series.

This is where I start wishing Whitworth offered a film production major. Maybe Vader can do something about that…