Published: Tuesday, March 2, 2010 in The Whitworthian.

Canada, this is the last straw.

I mean seriously. How long do you expect us to put up with your shenanigans? You walk around up there feeling all northier than us, gnawing on your bacon which is actually ham, laughing in Frenchish accents about how Americans don’t have as many beavers as you. It’s just insulting.

Now, however, you’ve gone too far. Now you’ve beaten us at hockey.

What’s that you say? Hockey is your sport? Apparently you weren’t paying attention when we stole it from under your nose, just like we took pizza from the Italians and pro wrestling from the cavemen. We’re also taking free speech from the Christians, but that’s a work in progress.

The point is that hockey is ours now and you have no right to take back what we’ve rightfully stolen.

Now, I’m a gracious guy. To be honest, I’m a fan of Canada. So I’m going to let you in on what my best friend in the Secret Service told me. He made me swear a terrible oath to never tell, but I like you guys, and I think the idea of being struck by lightning is kind of interesting anyway.

The United States is no longer happy with your performance as our hat. What, you weren’t aware that you were our hat? You are. Grab a world map and take a look.

For the past couple hundred years you’ve done all right, but times are changing. As everyone knows, America has so much money that part of the $700 billion stimulus package is going toward creating landfills just to store the piles and piles of hundred dollar bills we aren’t using at the moment.

In light of this fact, we’re looking to spruce up our image. Hockey was part of that plan, but since you’ve told us what you think of that plan, we’re having to move ahead with plan B.

America is going to annex Canada and paint it gold. Metallic gold. The entire country. Including the moose.

Before you freak out and start launching missiles, think about the positive side here for a second.

What color is Canada now? Well, on most maps it’s a nasty brownish red. Salmon, almost. Hardly representative of your masculine beaver-saving, logger-dude culture. I mean, come on. You guys won curling this year, too. You deserve a better color.
If we painted you gold, your map presence would be improved by several hundred percent. This has many benefits. Picture the family trying to decide where to go for their annual vacation:

“How about Hawaii, honey? I hear it’s nice…”

“No way, baby. We’re going to this gold place right here.”

“What place is that?”

“How should I know, but come on, it’s freaking gold!”

Also, with a bright shiny surface, you would be the most noticeable nation when seen from space. You will be the first nation the aliens notice when they arrive. If they come in peace, Canada could end up as the new capital of the universe. Alternatively they could decide to nuke you first, but hey, a place in the history books is a place in the history books, eh?

This is happening, Canada. I’m giving you the heads up so that you’ll have time to lay down some painter’s tape if there something you really don’t want splattered. But I’m powerless to stop it.

And if you don’t like it, well, you shoulda thought about that before you beat us in overtime. Scumbuckets.