Published: Monday, April 19, 2010 in The Whitworthian.

The other day I found myself sitting in my room, as I am wont to do whenever I’m not feeling like entertaining the hordes of plebes that call themselves my fans (no offense, plebes). I started thinking. And as I’m sure you’re all aware, when I start thinking, people start listening. I wish I could get them to keep listening when I actually start talking, but that’s entirely beside the point.

What’s not beside the point – in fact, it’s so on the point it’s basically standing on it and obscuring it from view – is the fact that I’ve been thinking about all the things that are dumb in this world.

It’s a long list, let me tell you. The thing that’s currently on my mind, however, are unwritten rules and fine print. What got me thinking about this was a recent story I found on bit-tech.com.

On Thursday, Gamestation revealed that it legally owned the souls of 7,500 customers due to an “Immortal Soul Clause” that it added to its online sale forms on April 1.

The idea of hiding a clause like that in a form got me wondering about other hidden rules, a pondering that was quickly rewarded by scandal right here on the Whitworth campus, in the form of unwritten rules.

A friend of mine was recently doing a bike trick on campus. For the sake of his privacy, I will not tell you that he was bunny hopping down the stadium steps by the library.

Unfortunately for him, however, there is apparently a “no stunts” policy on campus. He knows this because he was told on no uncertain terms by campus security. A quick perusal of the student handbook reveals that there is no such rule; neither can one be found online. I suppose it’s possible that it exists, but it’s well hidden.

I’m not sure I understand the purpose of this “no stunts” clause. It’s probably something about “safety” or “lawsuits” or some such drivel. If he’s dumb enough to crash his bike and break something, he should be made to take responsibility for that. Whitworth shouldn’t be liable for such things. The idea that we have a “no stunts” policy implies that if he hurt himself he could then sue Whitworth and actually win money, which is so incredibly backwards it makes me want to pummel an attorney with a gavel.

Only in America can someone hurt themselves by being an idiot and actually make money from it. That really shouldn’t be the way the world works.

I suppose, however, that as long as it is the way the world works, I might as well make the best of it. I am staggeringly broke, after all. Hurling myself off of a rooftop and blaming Whitworth for instilling in me a sense of curiosity about the way the world works would be a quick way to make bank.

Well, now that I’ve thought of that, I’m off to collect on health insurance. And even if it doesn’t work, I’ll have a great claim to fame on Youtube.